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New Employee Manual
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new
employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to
company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you
have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty
hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We
like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time
and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being
allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice
President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it
goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock
room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your
incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock
Option" plan.
HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an
H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was
organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis
Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a
162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage,
but it all boils down to three points:
1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of
now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your
subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will
not be told your physician's name. You may never see your
physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor
without express written permission of your imaginary primary
care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus
eat your weight in lard.
3) You are not covered under this plan.
TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks notice
upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee
a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he
or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of
employment.
COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked
"Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will
be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named
Frankie.
     
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