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WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If
you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just
finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will
come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't
straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give*
you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your
mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at
the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there until
all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado
swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I
yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you
listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once,
I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into
this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop
acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do!"

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