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TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER:
1) If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
2) You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come
off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.
4) I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Allow me to
elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.
5) It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
6) I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with
my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7) As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
8) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
* Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
* Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight.
* Places where there is darkness.
* Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
* Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to
her throat.
* Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay.
* Hockey games are okay.
* Old folks homes are better.
9) Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with
me.
10) Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
     
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