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OUR NEW COMPANY REGULATION
No. 4618
It has recently been brought to the attention of this office
that many employees have been dying while on duty, for
apparently no good reason.
Furthermore, these same employees are refusing to fall over
after they are dead.
THIS PRACTICE MUST STOP AT ONCE:
On or after January 1, 2000, under Regulation No. 4168,
Section 2, any employee found sitting up after he or she dies
will be dropped from the payroll immediately, without an
investigation. However, where it can be proved that said
employee is being supported by a desk, typewriter, PC, or any
other means belonging to the Company, a ninety-day period of
grace will be granted.
THE FOLLOWING PROCEDURE WILL BE STRICTLY ADHERED TO:
1. If after five (5) hours, it is noticed that an employee
has not moved or changed positions, the department head will
then investigate. (Due to the highly sensitive nature of our
employee and the close resemblance between death and their
natural working attitude, all investigations will be made
quietly so as to prevent waking an employee should he or she
prove to be asleep.
2. If any doubt exists as to the true condition, extending to
him or her a paycheck will be the final test. If he or she
does not reach for the check instantaneously, it may be
correctly assumed that death has occurred. (Note: in some
cases this instinct has been so highly developed that a
spasmodic clutching reflex may occur. Do not allow this to
confuse you.)
-THE MANAGEMENT
     
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