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Joke Archives |
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From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15
were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last,
which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we
would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on
July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer
as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's
because he stinks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a
big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave
it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told
him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our
bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most
of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to
upset him. --Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to
myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates
about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder
at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I
live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and
I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that
we have found many more than four basic elements and I show
him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and
strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the
night burping. --Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
     
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