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Steven Wright on Cars and Driving:
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left
it running... (Slow glance upward)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake
lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been
arrested three times for practicing.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
*amazing*.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got
dizzy.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going
so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called
an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas
to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see
this thing? This steers it.'
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who
said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?'
'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on
purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it
(moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...
And says, 'Here, you can go.'
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
through a green light. We pleaded 'maybe'. I asked the judge
if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, 'No further
questions.'
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, 'Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park
in the passing lane?'
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many
people ask me if I'm leaving.
     
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