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We've all been there but don't like to admit it--kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down
below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP
is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as
much as I do, I give you the.........
2000 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these
definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is
similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen
police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing
poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is
whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a courtesy flush.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and
is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the
Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): A group of coworkers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds
of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when
taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into
the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.
Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If
you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become
a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.
     
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