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Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous.
After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have
come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the
rhythm method.
Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I
ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find
a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with
the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the
house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got
pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin,
silky hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet
again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but
still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I
bought a packet.
My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did
believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could
prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw
and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got
severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across
the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried
it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will
have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it
is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead
Morgantown, West Virginia
     
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